Just to set the scene, today we're talking about language in relationships (if it will ever get to that).
I'm not a native English speaker. My first language is Bahasa Indonesia and my second language is Javanese. These two languages are the ones that I know all my life, the first because it's 'compulsory' and the second because since my brother and I were in my mum's belly, she's been talking to us in Javanese. English is my third language and I did not incorporate English in my everyday life until I was 15. It's been six years but I still don't consider myself fluent in English at all.Sometimes, I still have to translate what I want to say from Bahasa to English. Then, because the grammar is quite different, I realised what I just translated in my head doesn't make any sense... So I just go into a momentary brain fart before I can compose a sentence. This is also why I have anxiety in any situation where I have to speak in front of a large group of people. I grew up not realising I have this anxiety because I grew up in a small town and went to the same school with pretty much the same people for 11 years. When I moved, my classes in high school were small and very understanding of ESL students so I was comfortable. University, on the other hand, do not have the same tolerance level because everyone is hold to the same standard. This semester, I'm taking 1 course where your participation is assessed. Every time I'm in the class, my heart beats really fast for an hour long and I only have the energy to contribute once every class. Every time I speak up, I try so hard to listen to what I was saying but sometimes it's so hard it feels like an out-of-body experience. And once I finish speaking, I would feel some sort of pain or tingling sensation on my chest. Fun fun for everyone!
Anyway, this leads me to think about relationships. I am currently single and not mingling, so there is no problem. But, I have seen many couples that are (old) white men with (younger) women that does not speak English very well. I am sure they understand but they have a hard time composing reply (like what I just said before in my case, maybe).
How do I know this?
I work in a cafe that sells Indonesian cuisine and a lot of said couples come by and order. Every single time, it would be the men doing all the ordering, while the ladies just nodding and pointing to the menu. Sometimes, I'm just too curious so I try and engage in conversation with the ladies but many times I was replied by confused looks and them also looking to their men to answer the questions that I directed at them. Then, I come to think of one problem that I still don't get.
How can you be in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate with you?
Sure, you have body language. Well, yes, you both understand each other. However, it seems a little harder when one of you just understand but at the same time has a hard time to reply. I mean, if the relationship is not serious, I guess it's fine??
Personally, one of the most important thing in a relationship is communication. You're bringing two different souls into one weird concoction and it seems impossible without the two of you exchanging in verbal communication. This is not even just for romantic relationship, but also friendship and professional relations.
What do you do with your significant other, then, if you can't even have a conversation with them? How patient are you to explain and get your meaning across? Do you ever get tired? Is it hard at all? What do you talk about? Do you talk to each other often?
I have a friend from Thailand. Her mum is from Thailand and her stepdad is from Norway. Her mum understand English but has a hard time speaking (which is common for Asian, heck that is also me sometimes). She also doesn't feel comfortable speaking in English. Her English is sometimes broken. (I also would like to say that she is one of the best cooks and all her food is mind-blowing). My friend's stepdad understands very little Thai and her mum understands very little Norsk. But above it all, they seem happily married and everything is cool. How does that work?
Some of my friends that are Aussie native and sometimes their jokes and idioms goes over my head. When that happens, sometimes they're really nice and they will explain but it kills the mood because the joke that was supposed to be 'the bomb' got bombed. So is that what happen in a relationship where one party is a passive communicator (understands but not so good with replying)? The mood just always down and you have to explain everything to them? That doesn't sound like fun. What happens if you make a joke? Do you laugh with each other? Does the sarcasm goes through?
Also, how do you ever fight? Because I feel like if you never actually communicate with each other, there's nothing to fight about. Also, the fight will be sort of pointless because it's one sided. Do you argue? How does that go?
I don't know why but I'm just so interested to know about all this. If you could have some insight in the comments below that would be really appreciated.
Well, so far, those are the only questions in my head in this topic. Hope you enjoy the first instalment of Stream of Consciousness!
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