Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Wasted a whole night feeling angsty and trying to calm myself down by doing the one thing I refrain myself from doing.
Got the news from my mom.
Breaks loose.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

At First Sight

I love you at that time
you shook my hand
and say your name.
It still lingers
in my mind, in my heart,
the way your eyes were so calm.
The way you smile.
I remember your hands firmly
shaking mine like a memory foam
was embedded in my hand

I love you at that time
our eyes locked.
You remember who I was and
you smile.
I hesitated, trying
not to keep my hopes up.
I remember
your smile,
before the moment got interrupted.

I love you in between
all that time.
All the time.

I love you just then
when you looked around the room.
When once again our
eyes locked, smiles exchanged.
The heart died a little when
I realise you don't remember.
The heart died a little
more when you were walking

I love you at that time
I love you in between
I love you still and
I hope for always.

Braddon, 18 August 2014
04.03 AM FH S859

Friday, July 18, 2014

Healing Process

I recently met a person that had made quite an impact in my life a few years back. Honestly, this post will just be a reflection of what I felt about everything.

He used to be a big deal in my life. Not anymore, I should say. Moving on on his side seems quick, like ripping a bandage on a skin that was never hurt. On my side, it had been a hell of a roller coaster ride.

It has been roughly two years since the last time we met. I met him again last weekend. Coincidence? I don't know.

I always thought that I would break down and cry if I ever saw him again. I was so sure that I would lose control of the wall that I have build for over two years to shield myself. I thought I would punch his face on a reflex. I thought about so many horrible things.

It wasn't like that. It was not entirely relaxed and my mind needs quite a 'getting-used-to' phase for about a few seconds. It was, however, a lot less dramatic than what I expected it would be.

I mean, all the cutting out works after all.

Few days after that, I met up with Nadine (minus Nadia) and we sort of went through the whole 5 years. Good thing I did this (thanks N!) because she made me realise that that was not the first. This was so expected to happen. That before any "news" was dropped, I already knew it happened.

Bottom line is: don't worry if it takes you awhile to move on from a relationship (or a person). As my favorite singer would sing, 'Time is a healer of all hearts that break'. Do whatever you need to do. Cut that person out of your life or throwing away all means of memories might be necessary. Just remember, your happiness and mental well-being is more important than anything.

Also, try and talk through the whole thing with someone you trust. You might see something that you missed because you were likely blinded by love at those times.

Wounds will leave you scars, and you should be proud if you have one.
That means you survived and you will survive.


Monday, June 23, 2014

A Little Thoughts about The Fault In Our Stars

I've been following The Vlogbrothers for a few years now and for the record I love Hank and John Green. I think they both are brilliant people who have visions to change the world little by little, they are not afraid to express themselves as who they are and I admire that from them.

Now, on to The Fault in Our Stars (or TFIOS). I did not read this book. In fact, I have not read any of the book that John Green wrote. I have nothing against them, I'm sure they're beautiful but I don't know why I have not had the urge to read it even though lots of my friends recommended it to me numerous times. From The Vlogbrothers videos that John's featured in, I really love his thoughts from places where he shows clips of his journey and he voiced it over and everything sounds beautiful. So his wordsmith talent is not a question anymore.

I watched TFIOS on its premiere here because one of my best friend reaally wanted to see it. I came in there and saw a lot of girls from age 13 to grandmoms. John Green is relevant to all ages, I thought in the beginning.

I'm not going to talk a lot about the movies. I think the movie is pretty cool. The story line doesn't have a lot of plot twist but I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant to have a lot of them.

Anyway, I was sitting there thinking about Esther (RIP). Esther Earl is the girl that inspires John Green to write The Fault in Our Stars. And I was thinking... do these people know about her?

Since the first time the book gain mass recognition, I seldom heard her name mentioned by the fans of the book. Some of my friends who read it did not even know that this book was inspired by her.

Which is really sad. Also, I came to the movies knowing a little bit of Esther's story. I don't know about the book, but the movie focuses a lot on the love story between Hazel and Augustus. I have nothing against that, you know, it's a beautiful but sad love story with a bitter sweet ending, which sells.

But I was thinking that this story is talking a lot more than just cancer patients who're trying to survive and live a normal life and make it a beautiful one. I agree on that message that we have to make our lives as beautiful as it can be, seize the moments, because you really do only live once. But, I was just thinking that it's a lot more than that.

(From the movie) Hazel and Augustus talks about oblivion, about Augustus who wanted to make impact in the world and be well known and change something and make things better despite his condition and all his problems. And towards the end, when Hazel was saying that you can't change everyone's lives in your one life but you can change people around you and make them better and that is also okay. That making small changes, changing people's lives around you and making it better by just a little bit is as important as the big gestures. That you don't have to be remembered by everybody in the world but be remembered by people you love and love you back.

These are the things that I wished to see highlighted in the movie (again, because I haven't read the book). Mostly, because I feel like this is the essence of Esther's life. She might not made such big gestures, go on campaign or things like that. She did small things, she inspires people who are close to her, she makes people around her feel better and slowly she's making an impact on the rest of the world. And now, she is known and she is celebrated for the way she was. Even with her gone, I'm very sure that she's still make a difference in people's lives because she is the star that will not go out.

And I want people to know that and understand that through the book or the movie because that's who she was, that's who she is. I want people to know that there's more layers to the book than just the love story or the "metaphor". There is Esther's wisdom and that will live forever.

R.I.P. Esther Grace Earl 
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