Friday, February 19, 2016

Seminggu

Aku tidak mencari
Lelah
Setelah gagal berkali-kali
Berhenti
Karena tau hasilnya nanti

Aku enggan memulai.
Pesimis untuk agresif
Tak mau
Mengulang retak lagi
dan lagi.

Kamu berbeda
Tiga jam waktu yang lama
Selalu bersuara
Tertawa, cerita, rahasia

Kamu tak sama
namun familiar
Nyaman

Tersentuh,
terambil dan terenyuh
Kamu

Pergi
Seminggu waktu tak lama
Satu paragraf
Kamu

Masih belum kembali
Aku tak asa
menunggu
Tapi hatiku tak tau
Lelah

19/02/2016

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Overwhelmed

You know that beautiful song by Stevie Wonder? Yeah, that's Overjoyed, not Overwhelmed. 

To be completely honest, feeling overwhelmed is not a good feeling. Firstly, it is incredibly stressful and it feels like there is a hurricane inside your head that you just cannot shake no matter how hard you try. From then on, all other feelings, such as anxiety, sudden euphoria over small things that you can barely count as victory, and the diminishing ability to move everyday come rushing by in ways you never predicted before. 

Thousands, if not millions, of people have constantly preached the younger generation that being an adult sucks so bad. You will never want to grow up. You will regret your childhood wishes when the time comes. Now that I am barely an adult at almost that-Taylor-Swift-song years old, I would have to agree. On the other hand, I don't know why.

Sure, being an adult is freaking stressful. There are a lot of things to take care of and no one would be there to help you because you are supposedly an adult now. On the other hand, I feel like no one has ever prepared me to face the world as we know it as an adult. All the older generation has said to me is that being an adult sucks and it's better to never grow up. How am I supposed to handle adulthood if you pester me with the idea of never growing up?

There is nothing wrong with being young at heart. It's an admirable quality since not a lot of people can get in touch with their childhood-self. I would love to never lose who I was when I was a kid. I was fearless, I wanted to be active and outside for most times, I was diligent, optimistic, and very passionate. I want to be that person again. I want to live my name, to be free with no anxiety, no stress, and no negative thoughts. 

A lot of not knowing, pessimistic thoughts going in and out your head, anxiety, stress. Adulthood. So far. Overwhelmed. 

Friday, December 4, 2015

Sincerely, Me (3/3)

Dear Heart and Brain,

Stop it, please. It's neither you two or myself. I did not know and I still have no idea.

I over compensate too much. I thought when Heart broke, it would all be better for Brain to take charge. It did not get better for a while because I stop myself from feeling. I force Brain to work when it was not the time.

I deliberately stopped Heart to feel things. At the same time, overworked Brain to do Heart's jobs. I won't say that I'm icy-cold or all-brain. In the middle of all of it, I think and feel like I lost the both of you. It was just empty. There was no feelings, no hope, no facts, no judgments. All I know is nothingness.

I think and feel like I need to stop. I caught some feelings, too much too quickly, because I tried to give all the power back to Heart. Then out of fairness, I let Brain work too. I'm left confused, with all the feelings and the reasons, clouding up in the both of you.

I don't know how everything is going to work out. Maybe in the end, I could collaborate with Heart and Brain properly. Maybe, just maybe, I can fell and hope with all the right facts and the right judgments.

Sincerely,

Me



The "Sincerely, ..." series is inspired by Amy Poehler's "Yes Please" (pp. 80-83)

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Sincerely, Heart (2/3)

Dear Brain,

I am sorry. I am so very truly sorry. I put everything on my sleeves and everything fell. I didn't know my sleeves are shaky. I didn't know my sleeves are not that strong to carry all these. I guess I got carried away.

I feel things, that is my job. Your job is to know the facts so I'm sure you're aware of this. I can't help but. Her, being a Pisces, certainly did not help. I felt like I have the capability to overpower you, in whatever way possible. I'd like to believe I did. Do you?

I give out emotions. Sometimes too soon and too intense all at the same time. I give out hope because that is what I know. It's beautiful and I love beautiful things. I am vulnerable, it is an amazing feeling to be vulnerable.

A few years ago, I sense that I broke down. It might be my fault, it might be his fault, but I know no black and white. I suppose it was because of everything mingled into one beautiful dance. Maybe it's my time to break, you know? What with the ability for me to do it all over again and heal myself. Maybe that was the time you took over me.

So, again I'd like to say I'm sorry. Maybe we both can work it out together somehow?

Sincerely,

Heart




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